Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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