I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
