The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
