I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
