We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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