i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
