So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
