What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
