Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
