I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
