When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
So here I am, sexting at work.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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