Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
