I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
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just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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