Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
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that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
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Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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