dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
His nipple licking is glorious
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