dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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