I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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