HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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