One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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