I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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