dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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