my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
