whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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