Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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