My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
