Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Is Oprah even human
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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