got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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