Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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