I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
