he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
