What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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