a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
