If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
