It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
