What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
