I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
