Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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