Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
