I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
