Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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