i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
