i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
sarcasm needs its own font
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
