I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
