He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
