Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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