fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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