I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
