We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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