All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
