I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
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for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
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I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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