dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i love accidental penises.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
