two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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