i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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