god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
