why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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