I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
