Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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