i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
This is classic penis vs brain.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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