the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
