My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
