C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
