never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
